Indonesia
Blended Family, Can It be Preserved?
Blended family is no longer unheard of. Check the news on TV, Superparent. There are a lot of famous names with this kind of family. On this list was the A-list celebrity, musician Ahmad Dhani and singer Mulan Jameela. Mulan gained the legal custody for Tyarani Savitri and Muhammad Rafly Aziz, her two kids from the first crashed marriage with Harry Indra Nugraha. On the other hand, Dhani was also given custody over his three boys, Ahmad Al Ghazali, Ahmad El Jallaludin Rumi, and Ahmad Abdul Qodir Jaelani, from his first marriage with Maia Estianty. By the way, Dhani and Mulan later had Saafeya, their biological daughther.
Obviously, no one ever wanted to end one marriage, get married again and perhaps again and again. However the oath of happily ever after just seemed to be a bit out of reach for blended families. This is the kind of family that without doubt is the most risk exposed for conflict for the compilation of many different individuals and differences. “I never have imagined that blended family is far more complicated than anything i could anticipate. I wish someone had told me that before we got married,” Ina Maharani, a mother of two kids and three step kids, who is currently applying for divorce, regretting.
If the first marriage is an apple, then the second will be an orange. There’s no way we can compare them, right? The first marriage is about relationship with our partner. The next ones will be spinning around the kids and how we are struggling to keep everything is fine. Is blended family really that impossible to hold on to? How to preserve a blended family into one big, happy, warm and close family? These four points can be the solution.
A Heads Up
No matter how close we are with the soon-to-be wife/husband, and how well we get along with her/his kids, living under one roof means a brand new life, entirely. Better dress up because nothing will ever stay the same. The best is discuss this before moving into the same house. Kids are smart and they are supposed to be taken into account in making such decision. Not to mention that it will affect their life greatly. If the kids somehow feel that their existence is meaningless, they may just pull over and seek happiness outdoor.
One Step at a Time
When our kids were born, we fell in love with them. In fact, maybe before they even appear to this world. It’s almost impossible to have the same feeling with a step child. That by said, there’s no need to push loving the kid. Try spending time just the two of us to get to know better. Find out what we have in common (there must be any!). As parents, we also need to learn to listen more and speak less. Not only the step kid will feel that they are exist. This way also tells us what they think of, what they want and their concerns.
Not Their Biological Dad/Mom Substitute
It may sound impossible for some step parents. But really, there’s no need to take our spouse ex as competitors. There’s no point of trying to become a better dad/mom for step children. Or, putting all effort trying to prove that we are better for our recent partner. The simplest example: don’t push the step kids to call us mom, mommy, dad or father. Let the kid gets comfort with what they want to call us. It is important for us to respect the existence of their biological mom/dad. We do need to encourage the relationship between the step kids with them, as well as what we have with our own kids. Don’t be surprised if later the step kids will appreciate us with respect, the way we respect their biological mom/dad.
Agree with Rules
Every family has its own habit. Dinner in front of TV maybe a habit for a couple of the first marriage. If we want to restore the routine of having dinner together, we couldn’t do it alone. Try to establish some agreement with the partner of how to run this new family; from bed time, homework hour, up to chores. We are step mother for husband’s biological children and he is the step father for our biological children. If the kids get the same message of what to do and what not to do, this will make it easier to get through the transition times. Hey, we can also start to create new habits and routine for our blended family.
Don’t try to do this all ourself, Superparent. Try to befriend with other parents of blended families. We can support and share with each other. Or, perhaps get help from a professional family therapist. Good luck. Indeed.
HAFIDA INDRAWATI
PHOTOS: THINKSTOCK PHOTOS
